It's been two days since I've gotten back from Europe. Losing Cinder the night I returned has twisted this time into something so different. I've had to readjust my emotions and stretch into new space I didn't want to occupy just yet. 35 years of life on this planet has taught me that sometimes that's just how it is. It fucking sucks, and the only way to move through it, is to actually move through it. (Even though I'd rather stay wrapped in my carb induced haze of croissants and coffee....)
The day I moved out of my house in 2005 to separate from my husband I was in the middle of one of the worst jobs of my life - a stressful, convoluted mess of power trips, team dysfunction, and politics with an insurmountable amount of work to do and not enough staff to do it. I hardly knew which end was up and everything was strange. I remember going to the grocery store that first night I was staying with my parents. I was standing in the soda aisle and may as well have been on the moon. I felt numb with grief and wanted to sit down and hide among the two liter bottles of Sprite. Nothing was as it should've been, and I knew it wasn't going to feel good or comfortable for a long long time. But every day, I chose to get up out of bed and walk to the shower. As long as I made it that far, that's all that mattered. I took small bites. Life was in increments. If I looked ahead to the yawning expansion of the work that was in front of me, I couldn't do it. But I could survive the small doses.
So when I found myself this weekend back in a place with too much emptiness and pain, I felt it. I howled and cried and yelled and got really really sad. I ached and was angry and edgy and restless. And then I decided to stop it. This sweet creature went away, yes, but I can't be mad at him for going away.....it's selfish to focus on that piece of it. Instead I can choose to walk through to the other side. I know how to do this because I've done it before.
So tonight I am in a much better place. I am remembering the goodness and how lucky I am to have known him for eight whole years.
Recent Comments